iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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