the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
