I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
