I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
