"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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