Say something about gay babies.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
