Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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