no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
