just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize