I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
