a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize