I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize