i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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