Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I am available for nakedness
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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