My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
where are my eyebrows?
PANTIES FOUND
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
