Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
