what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
