You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
