the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize