To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
