Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
