I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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