You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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