This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So vagazzling was a success
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
