Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
