i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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