I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize