I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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