Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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