Will you blow on my dice?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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