I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
