I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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