I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
