come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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