im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
