allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So here I am, sexting at work.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
