I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
