I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
