I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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