Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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