He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
