We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize