I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
