I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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