Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
