Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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