Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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