Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
