Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
