i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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