Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
