when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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