in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
