I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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